2 May 2011
An Open Letter to Donald Trump
It is time to grab the moment, Donald. Recent events have provided you with a wonderful gift that only someone with your abilities and talents can take proper advantage. Now that birtherism is dead (thanks to you, of course), and trutherism is relegated to a few kooky academics, this is the moment of truth for the birth of deatherism, whose working slogan should be, "Where is the death certificate?" They say Osama Bin Laden is dead. But do we really know for sure? Yes, of course, we've already heard from the apologists of conspiratorial deception: they offer us eyewitnesses, film, photos, the first-hand testimonies of hundreds of military personal, and DNA, to name just a few bits of what so-called "experts" call "evidence." But without a death certificate, how can anyone really be certain that the mastermind of 9/11 is truly dead? Was the "body" of Osama taken to the Abbottabad morgue, and a full-form death certificate signed and issued by the coroner's office? Apparently not. What do they have to hide?
Given its place in your political chronology, I had first thought of naming this new conspiracy, "after-birtherism," but it may raise far too many questions of your conveniently new-found commitment to the prolife cause. So, I've settled on "deatherism."
So, Donald, "deatherism," both in name and theory, is your ticket to the White House. Admittedly, "birtherism" didn't work out so well for you (sort of like your first two wives). But I am confident that your success in reality television has proved to be an invaluable venue in which to hone the skill set required to be the leader of the free world (as your contemporary Bruce Jenner has learned so well).
Francis J. Beckwith